Due to technical difficulties (a power outage lasting several days), Wordplay was unable to post last week and apologizes to anyone who may have been waiting on pins and needles to hear from us (and by us, I mean I). My neighborhood was not among the first in town to get our power back, but we were far from the last; a customer in the store today told me that he had just gotten his power back after 10 days. That makes my ordeal relatively minor in the scheme of things. I tried to use it as an opportunity to think about what I’d need to do if a longer-lasting disaster ever strikes, so it might not be altogether bad that it happened. We depend on our modern conveniences so much but take them for granted until suddenly they’re not there anymore.
Having said that, I guess it’s time once again to make the Wordplay disclaimer about what you can and cannot expect from the blog (and from me, as a person). This is not something I do because I don’t have a topic—rather, it’s a topic in itself and one I feel the need to revisit periodically. This is important because although I think my message on this has been consistent, I somehow keep getting challenged on it. At least, that is my sense of it.
In my quest to bring mythology and archetypal psychology to bear on everyday and cultural life, I’ve sometimes delved into current events and politics. I feel that a depth psychology lens is useful in making sense of these things. I’ve also used this lens (along with creative writing) to try to make sense of a number of bewildering things that have happened to me. There were times when I felt I was writing as fast as I could to save my life. If you think that’s an exaggeration, you haven’t really been listening.
For a long time, I was desperate to get people to pay attention when I tried to say “something is really wrong here.” It seemed no matter what I said, no one reacted in what I considered an appropriate way, which was very odd. So I just kept writing. Someone said to me that she thought I needed to get some clarity on the situation. I’m not sure what she actually knew about any of it, but that was a helpful thing that she said. Once I started putting things into narrative form, I started to see connections between personal events that I hadn’t thought about before. Things began coming into focus, although I was a long way from total clarity (something that I still don’t have, although I’ve gotten the general outline).
When my writing became more revelatory, things changed. It was as if everything flipped upside down. People went from not taking me seriously enough to taking me too seriously in the wrong way. It was as if people thought I know things that I don’t know, unless I’ve figured them out just by thinking things through. Believe me, when your world turns upside down almost in a single day, you’ll understand the incentive a person has to make sense of previously inconceivable experiences. Your focus takes on a laserlike intensity because the survival instinct kicks in. Far from trying to save the world, I was trying to save myself, although if I inadvertently helped someone else in the process, I’m quite glad, of course.
What I’m saying is, I do not have any state secrets. I don’t (and never will) work for the CIA, the FBI, or any investigative agency, domestic or foreign. I’m not an undercover police officer or a private detective. I’m not an investigative journalist. I’m a writer, and I sell appliances at Home Depot to help pay the bills.
I wish I could tell you the number of times people have come into the store acting as if they thought I had some information to share with them. They’re so transparent sometimes. Everyone who does it acts as if they’re the first to come into my place of employment speaking in code and trying to insinuate that I owe them some information or that I’m not doing some job that I don’t even have. (The opposite is true: I feel that I am constantly being spied on and certainly harassed.) My best advice to them is that if they really are working in either espionage or some kind of investigative capacity, they are barking so far up the wrong tree that they’ve probably compromised themselves. If they’re just "citizen spies," as I get the impression some of them are, they’re not doing themselves (and certainly not me) any favors. If you haven’t actually gone to FBI school and completed the rigorous screening and training that I’m sure they go through, I don’t believe they would appreciate you setting yourself up as one of them. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you hear from them on this at some point, because it is in fact a crime to impersonate an agent.
Sometimes, this is all very amusing, but mostly it’s just an endless hassle. I’m surprised sometimes that I’m actually sane, but I put that down to native stubbornness. The sad thing is, even though I think I’m an honest person (and usually perceived that way by others), I can’t seem to get people to accept that I’m really not anything other than what I appear to be. Yes, I’m a pretty smart person, with many skills and capabilities, but I’m also the person who couldn’t even get a job with the L.A. County Public Libraries, a large, understaffed urban library system with few frills and perks on offer other than what I really needed, which was simply a job in my field. If I’m so special, why couldn’t I even get an entry level job? (I’d probably still be in L.A. if I had gotten a job, though that would mean I’d never have met the people I work with at Home Depot. On the whole, I would very much have regretted missing that, though no thanks to the hiring geniuses of Los Angeles, thank you very much.)
People in general seem to have a much different sense of what has been going on with me over the last 14 years or so than I do. I can tell you that I wasn’t born yesterday and would never have agreed to go through what I have gone through if I had had any way of avoiding it. I’ve certainly become a lot more wary of people’s motives and less “starry-eyed” than I used to be. When I was fairly new at Pacifica, I had an opportunity to apply for a scholarship from some vaguely defined leadership organization but decided against it because there was something just too nebulous about them. Now I will barely even fill out a survey from a company I’ve done business with for fear of inadvertently signing my life away.
If you came to the blog this week for some exciting take on what’s out there in the culture, I’m sorry: this is 10 minutes of your life you can never get back. You may be asking yourself, “Why do I even read this blog; it’s not what I was expecting at all.” Well, I don’t know—why do you read this blog?
