Q. Wordplay, remember when you used to be fun? You wrote all kinds of silly stuff about little things that happened to you at home, what you were thinking about, dragonflies, colors of the day, etc. It wasn’t all this Dark Academia falderol.
A. Yes, well, I’m trying to develop a niche here in one little corner of pop culture, if that’s OK with you.
Q. Don’t you even have any comments on larger issues in the culture? With so many serious things going on—
A. You’re quite right. There are a lot of serious things going on and plenty of people available to comment on them. Right now I prefer seeing facts unfold. A bunch of people’s opinions are well and good, but what we need most are facts.
Q. I used to love those little personal anecdotes you shared.
A. OK. Well, I got some grease on a pair of pants the other night while cooking dinner. It didn’t come out even when I dabbed it with detergent. Then I remembered that I once got a similar stain out with lemon juice and salt. Just let it sit overnight, then wash. Voila!
Q. You’re kidding me, right?
A. Pas du tout. Don’t you remember—I once wrote an entire blog post on how to get a stain out of an upholstered chair. That’s a fact. Things were slow in my life then. Another fact is, if you want to deep clean your bathroom, put bleach solution in a spray bottle, spray your shower walls and the inside of your shower liner, turn on the hot shower, close the door, and let the bathroom get really steamy. After a few minutes, you can turn the water off, but keep the door closed for a good long while. I always remove towels and other items before doing this so that they don’t get bleached. I think I read this tip in Real Simple years ago; I just wanna tell you, it works. I got rid of mildew on my bathroom ceiling one time by doing this.
Q. Now you’re being useless. I never thought I’d say this, but even Dark Academia is better than this.
A. OK, well, I just read a novel by Alex Michaelides called The Maidens. It’s set at Cambridge University and involves a series of murders among a group of female students, acolytes of a classics professor who seems to wield undue influence over them. There are atmospheric descriptions of the campus! References to Demeter and Persephone! Quotes from Euripides! One thing I got out of it is to never go to a therapist who is unable to pick up on vibes such as her late husband having been bonking her niece right under her nose for years before he died. Also that her niece has homicidal feelings toward her. Just slipped past her radar somehow. I get it that therapists are just people, but that’s a hell of a blind spot.
Q. That’s depressing.
A. Yes, well. How about some dessert tips then? If you want to make a really delicious dessert that’s kind of like tiramisu but really, really easy, make some vanilla pudding, then mix it with several cups of sweetened whipped cream. Put a layer of graham crackers on the bottom of your pan, then layer it with the filling mixture and repeat, ending with graham crackers on top. Make a simple chocolate ganache to spread over everything. You could sprinkle some espresso on the layers if you want to make it more like tiramisu. C’est delicieux! Not an every night dessert, but great for an occasional treat.
Q. OK, but I could have gotten that from the Internet.
A. I know, but you didn’t, did you?
Q. I can’t stand you when you’re in this kind of a mood.
A. Moi, je l’adore. Mais oui, on est nul.
Q. You’ve been watching Emily in Paris again, haven’t you? What does “on est nul” mean?
A. I think it’s kind of like “f**k my life.”
Q. Gotcha.
