I want to send a note out to all you baristas: when a customer enters Starbucks on New Year’s Eve with a book and an iPad, they are not looking for nightlife downtown. I thought you might want to keep that in mind when you tell them you’re closing early and they ask you if any other Starbucks are open. Of course, you yourself are free to go downtown, with our blessing. Update your website with current opening hours before you head out the door, though.
My other note is to wish everyone a safe New Year’s Eve and a Happy New Year in 2020. I know what you want to know: what do I think is the biggest thing that will be happening in the new year. Wordplay is not really a prognosticator, but we’ll be happy to give it a try if you insist. I have been thinking a lot about sexism and how it cuts both ways. One thing that has struck me lately is how many young men of style in Hollywood and elsewhere have been wearing bright colors and styles normally associated with women and doing it with quite a bit of panache. Wordplay is just a lone Kentucky girl far from any major style centers, but we feel compelled to ask: is this a thing? And if so, why is it a thing?
We do not know, but one reading from a depth perspective that may not be too far off the mark is that these young men are taking on sexism in their own way. It’s usually acceptable for women to adopt menswear styles and for girls to be tomboys, but God help the male who decides to flaunt his inner female, even in the smallest way. I read an article last night with comments from men (I believe it was from a reddit thread) about what they would do “if it weren’t for the patriarchy,” and their ideas were quite interesting. I’m inclined to think the young men challenging these gender norms through fashion are doing something much more substantial than it would seem, and that it’s actually a powerful statement they’re making. They have my respect and admiration.
What would you do it if “weren’t for the patriarchy”? Wordplay would never recommend that you do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but what about something you would love to do but don’t do because you know it makes others uncomfortable? Not talking about breaking laws, but what about unwritten norms?
My wish is that 2020 will not only be the year of feminism but also the year of masculinism. We are all made up of yin and yang, and I believe we’re better people for getting in touch with our undeveloped qualities. May 2020 help us all to be kinder not only to others but also to ourselves.
Update: BuzzFeed article, “16 Things More Men Would Do If It Weren’t for the Patriarchy”
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Thursday, December 26, 2019
A Holiday Not Particularly Good, But It Had Its Moments
The day you go back to work after Christmas, people will naturally ask if you had a nice holiday. Truth compelled me to tell people today that, no, I didn’t particularly have a good one (although I’m very good at seeing whatever good there is to see, even I can’t make a cashmere glove out of a rotten pumpkin). It started out OK, with egg nog, chocolates, holiday movie sessions, and a brief respite from work. I was cozy enough on Christmas Eve with all the afore-mentioned, but then I decided to go out on Christmas Day to see a movie and have dinner.
I decided, with some trepidation, to go see Little Women on its opening day. This was probably the first “chapter book” I read as a child, but this is the first time I’ve seen a filmed version. A previous production with Susan Sarandon just never pulled me in because none of the well-known actors in the cast corresponded to my idea of the March family and their friends. In this case, I was able to contemplate seeing the film with a reasonable level of equanimity because a number of the cast members were unknown to me. While I thought this film was well-made, and I enjoyed a number of the performances (Meryl Streep as Aunt March and Timothée Chalamet as Laurie were particularly inspired choices), the March girls seemed a little too modern and raucous to be the March girls I remember. I believe that was an intentional choice by director Greta Gerwig, and while I think she’s made a very good film, it wasn’t quite the film I wanted. (Do not, however, let that stop you from seeing it.)
After popcorn and a movie, I went to Denny’s for dinner and was told they’d had a number of workers call in. I have to cut them a little slack, because I think they were being asked to do the impossible by even being open and serving people. My choices on where to have a turkey dinner were limited (it was Denny’s or nothing), so I toughed it out, and while it was not the way I had pictured it (and I burned my mouth by eating food that was simultaneously too hot (in some spots) and too cold (in others), I did get my turkey and dressing, which was my goal.
If you want some short quotables to take with you on sort of a non-starter Christmas (that is not, however, the worst Christmas I ever had), here are my thoughts on the day, summarized.
1. If you don’t have a husband, waking up with a hot water bottle is probably the next best thing, but if I could only get my belongings out of storage, I have a fake lynx coat hot water bottle cover from Restoration Hardware that would have made it a little cozier on Christmas morning and less medicinal-seeming, but OK . . . at least I had a hot water bottle.
2. Is it my imagination, or have I gotten so used to sleeping in my car that a nearly empty hotel is no longer that much better a place to spend a holiday (except for getting to watch TV) than the back seat of my car?
3. The eggnog I got from the store was good, but I suspect they slipped non-fat milk into that carton because it didn’t taste as rich as I was expecting. Look, if I want low-fat, I’ll get it myself, OK?
4. There are certain holiday movies that, once you’ve seen them, you don’t really feel the need for repeat viewings. I watched Elf for the first time this year, and while it’s really pretty goofy, at least I had never seen it before, and somehow Will Ferrell is able to pull it off.
5. If you find yourself watching Jurassic Park on Christmas Eve, that’s probably a sign. Not a good sign, but a sign. Switch the channel.
6. Hotels shouldn’t list movies on their channel guide if you are unable to watch them. This was the first time I became aware that not all of the movies listed on the in-hotel viewing guide are actually something you can view. I’m talking about Oscar-nominated (excuse me, Oscar-winning, what was I thinking?) films, not something you need parental permission to see (though I’m past the age for parental permission in any case).
7. If you wake up to “Do You Hear What I Hear?” being played at a very high volume in the middle of the night, go back to sleep. This is probably not anything you want to investigate in person.
8. You will find that if you have a Christmas Day like I had, you will have had your fill of Christmas by the time you get back to your hotel. Travel Channel content on people who thought they were possessed by demons and others who had spooky encounters in the mountains around Asheville, North Carolina, with what may or may not have been a strange combination of scary people and weird special effects meant to make these unfortunates question their sanity will, in this case, begin to seem like something you might actually learn from, as unlikely as it may seem. Ditto, programming on Bigfoot and the Alaskan wilderness.
In conclusion, Happy St. Stephen’s Day, and Wordplay will still be here this time next week, if Grandma doesn’t get run over by a reindeer.
I decided, with some trepidation, to go see Little Women on its opening day. This was probably the first “chapter book” I read as a child, but this is the first time I’ve seen a filmed version. A previous production with Susan Sarandon just never pulled me in because none of the well-known actors in the cast corresponded to my idea of the March family and their friends. In this case, I was able to contemplate seeing the film with a reasonable level of equanimity because a number of the cast members were unknown to me. While I thought this film was well-made, and I enjoyed a number of the performances (Meryl Streep as Aunt March and Timothée Chalamet as Laurie were particularly inspired choices), the March girls seemed a little too modern and raucous to be the March girls I remember. I believe that was an intentional choice by director Greta Gerwig, and while I think she’s made a very good film, it wasn’t quite the film I wanted. (Do not, however, let that stop you from seeing it.)
After popcorn and a movie, I went to Denny’s for dinner and was told they’d had a number of workers call in. I have to cut them a little slack, because I think they were being asked to do the impossible by even being open and serving people. My choices on where to have a turkey dinner were limited (it was Denny’s or nothing), so I toughed it out, and while it was not the way I had pictured it (and I burned my mouth by eating food that was simultaneously too hot (in some spots) and too cold (in others), I did get my turkey and dressing, which was my goal.
If you want some short quotables to take with you on sort of a non-starter Christmas (that is not, however, the worst Christmas I ever had), here are my thoughts on the day, summarized.
1. If you don’t have a husband, waking up with a hot water bottle is probably the next best thing, but if I could only get my belongings out of storage, I have a fake lynx coat hot water bottle cover from Restoration Hardware that would have made it a little cozier on Christmas morning and less medicinal-seeming, but OK . . . at least I had a hot water bottle.
2. Is it my imagination, or have I gotten so used to sleeping in my car that a nearly empty hotel is no longer that much better a place to spend a holiday (except for getting to watch TV) than the back seat of my car?
3. The eggnog I got from the store was good, but I suspect they slipped non-fat milk into that carton because it didn’t taste as rich as I was expecting. Look, if I want low-fat, I’ll get it myself, OK?
4. There are certain holiday movies that, once you’ve seen them, you don’t really feel the need for repeat viewings. I watched Elf for the first time this year, and while it’s really pretty goofy, at least I had never seen it before, and somehow Will Ferrell is able to pull it off.
5. If you find yourself watching Jurassic Park on Christmas Eve, that’s probably a sign. Not a good sign, but a sign. Switch the channel.
6. Hotels shouldn’t list movies on their channel guide if you are unable to watch them. This was the first time I became aware that not all of the movies listed on the in-hotel viewing guide are actually something you can view. I’m talking about Oscar-nominated (excuse me, Oscar-winning, what was I thinking?) films, not something you need parental permission to see (though I’m past the age for parental permission in any case).
7. If you wake up to “Do You Hear What I Hear?” being played at a very high volume in the middle of the night, go back to sleep. This is probably not anything you want to investigate in person.
8. You will find that if you have a Christmas Day like I had, you will have had your fill of Christmas by the time you get back to your hotel. Travel Channel content on people who thought they were possessed by demons and others who had spooky encounters in the mountains around Asheville, North Carolina, with what may or may not have been a strange combination of scary people and weird special effects meant to make these unfortunates question their sanity will, in this case, begin to seem like something you might actually learn from, as unlikely as it may seem. Ditto, programming on Bigfoot and the Alaskan wilderness.
In conclusion, Happy St. Stephen’s Day, and Wordplay will still be here this time next week, if Grandma doesn’t get run over by a reindeer.
Thursday, December 19, 2019
That’s the Spirit!
How do I love thee, Christmas? Let me count down my favorite things about Christmas 2019.
1. Putting a rude customer in their place by absolutely killing them with politeness. You know that you are totally within the bounds of the holiday spirit because you are building their character even as they attempt to drag you down into the mud where they currently dwell. Perhaps they’ll thank you for it someday?
2. Looking at pictures of anything related to eggnog—actual eggnog, eggnog cake, eggnog cookies, eggnog pie, etc. Eggnog is the banana pudding of Christmas: you never see a bad picture of it.
3. Sending just the right card to family and friends and enjoying the thought of them knowing that you are thinking of them (for real). Putting on the stamps is also really fun, for some reason.
4. Going into Starbucks, because Starbucks always looks festive around the holidays and has very evocative holiday beverage names. This has not always been an unalloyed pleasure in the past, but they are doing better this year.
5. Going into the mall at off-peak hours just to enjoy the window displays and general holiday splendor.
6. Knowing that, regardless of what happens in the future, you will doubtless never, for the rest of your life, lose the attitude of superiority that comes with knowing you survived living in your car for a year and a half, including at Christmastime. You try to picture specific individuals you know doing it and nearly collapse with laughter.
7. Hearing either of these two songs come on the radio: “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” or “Last Christmas”—or any holiday song sung with true elan.
8. Looking at presents under a tree, even if only in your mind.
9. Seeing an arched doorway outlined with a string of blue lights and imagining yourself saying, “Mellon.”
10. Glowering at the person attending the Salvation Army kettle in front of the grocery store.
11. Looking forward to Christmas dinner.
12. Watching Christmas movies while tucked into bed (special treat).
13. Imagining the smell of a real Christmas tree in whatever future home you will someday have.
14. Having visions of sugar plums. (Just what is a sugar plum, anyway? Possibly there is some room for interpretation on this, but you know it has to be something good. It’s one of those poetic phrases like “cloth of gold” that instantly evoke enchantment.)
15. Hearing the song “Do You Hear What I Hear?” and wondering if in fact the mighty king, in his palace warm, does know what you know—which is in no way a problem and entirely a good thing if he does. Doubters.
16. Reminding yourself that there are always those less fortunate than you and thinking about what you would do to help them in some future life should you ever be able to do so.
1. Putting a rude customer in their place by absolutely killing them with politeness. You know that you are totally within the bounds of the holiday spirit because you are building their character even as they attempt to drag you down into the mud where they currently dwell. Perhaps they’ll thank you for it someday?
2. Looking at pictures of anything related to eggnog—actual eggnog, eggnog cake, eggnog cookies, eggnog pie, etc. Eggnog is the banana pudding of Christmas: you never see a bad picture of it.
3. Sending just the right card to family and friends and enjoying the thought of them knowing that you are thinking of them (for real). Putting on the stamps is also really fun, for some reason.
4. Going into Starbucks, because Starbucks always looks festive around the holidays and has very evocative holiday beverage names. This has not always been an unalloyed pleasure in the past, but they are doing better this year.
5. Going into the mall at off-peak hours just to enjoy the window displays and general holiday splendor.
6. Knowing that, regardless of what happens in the future, you will doubtless never, for the rest of your life, lose the attitude of superiority that comes with knowing you survived living in your car for a year and a half, including at Christmastime. You try to picture specific individuals you know doing it and nearly collapse with laughter.
7. Hearing either of these two songs come on the radio: “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” or “Last Christmas”—or any holiday song sung with true elan.
8. Looking at presents under a tree, even if only in your mind.
9. Seeing an arched doorway outlined with a string of blue lights and imagining yourself saying, “Mellon.”
10. Glowering at the person attending the Salvation Army kettle in front of the grocery store.
11. Looking forward to Christmas dinner.
12. Watching Christmas movies while tucked into bed (special treat).
13. Imagining the smell of a real Christmas tree in whatever future home you will someday have.
14. Having visions of sugar plums. (Just what is a sugar plum, anyway? Possibly there is some room for interpretation on this, but you know it has to be something good. It’s one of those poetic phrases like “cloth of gold” that instantly evoke enchantment.)
15. Hearing the song “Do You Hear What I Hear?” and wondering if in fact the mighty king, in his palace warm, does know what you know—which is in no way a problem and entirely a good thing if he does. Doubters.
16. Reminding yourself that there are always those less fortunate than you and thinking about what you would do to help them in some future life should you ever be able to do so.
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
What’s Up With That?
I feel obligated—even as a person who came to HBO’s Game of Thrones very late in the game—to mention how surprised I was to hear of the series only being nominated for one Golden Globe award. I’m sure a lot of fans are similarly surprised, if not shocked. This is not to take anything away from anyone else who may have been nominated: I’m sure there are many deserving individuals and projects, and obviously there’s a certain amount of subjectivity in any awards selection process. Having said all that, I still say that something about this doesn’t seem to add up. Not even nominated, with the exception of one acting nomination for Kit Harington? With extremely high production values across the board and an excellent cast from top to bottom?
Of course, you know I’m old and cynical, but it almost seems to me that GOT and/or the people behind it must have gotten on someone’s blacklist. Maybe you’re about to suggest some other programs I might want to see that you consider superior to GOT, and I won’t argue with anyone’s choices—but if there truly are that many programs equal to or better than a cultural behemoth like GOT, I’m stunned. Television as a whole must be more quality-based than I realized.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to look at many things differently, and my pleasure in watching awards programs is never really unalloyed. Hollywood is just as political as any other place, if not more so, and you have to wonder what goes on behind the scenes of some of the industry organizations. The degree to which people respect the institutions and the nominating processes determines the actual and perceived value of winning—after all, who wants to be the recipient of a rigged award? Nobody wins in that case.
It’s possible that some Hollywood Foreign Press Association members thought GOT had peaked already and regarded the last season as less worthy of recognition based on all the fan controversies about unexpected plot developments and the respective fates of various characters, although to me that should have little bearing on the way an industry organization chooses to recognize quality. Some of the conversation about story directions got rather heated at the time, which is kind of understandable considering how many loyal viewers the program had and how embedded GOT was in the cultural psyche over the course of its run. Naturally, fans have opinions, which weren’t always expressed graciously but sprang, I think, from a genuine love for the series and a reluctance to see it end at all, much less in a way unfavorable to beloved characters.
I had much less invested in this series than people who had watched it from the beginning, but I still found myself developing favorites and feeling that I would be unhappy if this person or that person didn’t survive the Battle of Winterfell or the Battle at King’s Landing—in fact, I wasn’t happy with the final outcome on some levels, although that didn’t stop me from thinking the episodes were quite well done. I actually admired the show’s writers for having the courage to make some controversial choices, and certainly having everyone anyone remotely liked survive would not have seemed realistic either.
I would think fans would be more up-in-arms about GOT being nearly excluded from awards in its final season than they are about unpopular plot choices. Although it would make no difference in decisions that have already been made and would be largely symbolic, to me it would be more appropriate to start a petition scolding the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for overlooking, in its final season, one of the finest and most well-produced spectacles ever to hit the small screen than to continue to agitate for rewrites. I mean, the opening credits! The dragons, my God! The battles! The cinematography! The costumes! The dialogue! Good heavens, it boggles the mind.
Like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid of an earlier era, I’m having to ask myself, of the HFPA, “Who are those guys?” Did they collectively drink a six-pack apiece and pass out during the screenings? Did they read the Cliff Notes version of the scripts? Did they have a mass hallucination?
Of course, you know I’m old and cynical, but it almost seems to me that GOT and/or the people behind it must have gotten on someone’s blacklist. Maybe you’re about to suggest some other programs I might want to see that you consider superior to GOT, and I won’t argue with anyone’s choices—but if there truly are that many programs equal to or better than a cultural behemoth like GOT, I’m stunned. Television as a whole must be more quality-based than I realized.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to look at many things differently, and my pleasure in watching awards programs is never really unalloyed. Hollywood is just as political as any other place, if not more so, and you have to wonder what goes on behind the scenes of some of the industry organizations. The degree to which people respect the institutions and the nominating processes determines the actual and perceived value of winning—after all, who wants to be the recipient of a rigged award? Nobody wins in that case.
It’s possible that some Hollywood Foreign Press Association members thought GOT had peaked already and regarded the last season as less worthy of recognition based on all the fan controversies about unexpected plot developments and the respective fates of various characters, although to me that should have little bearing on the way an industry organization chooses to recognize quality. Some of the conversation about story directions got rather heated at the time, which is kind of understandable considering how many loyal viewers the program had and how embedded GOT was in the cultural psyche over the course of its run. Naturally, fans have opinions, which weren’t always expressed graciously but sprang, I think, from a genuine love for the series and a reluctance to see it end at all, much less in a way unfavorable to beloved characters.
I had much less invested in this series than people who had watched it from the beginning, but I still found myself developing favorites and feeling that I would be unhappy if this person or that person didn’t survive the Battle of Winterfell or the Battle at King’s Landing—in fact, I wasn’t happy with the final outcome on some levels, although that didn’t stop me from thinking the episodes were quite well done. I actually admired the show’s writers for having the courage to make some controversial choices, and certainly having everyone anyone remotely liked survive would not have seemed realistic either.
I would think fans would be more up-in-arms about GOT being nearly excluded from awards in its final season than they are about unpopular plot choices. Although it would make no difference in decisions that have already been made and would be largely symbolic, to me it would be more appropriate to start a petition scolding the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for overlooking, in its final season, one of the finest and most well-produced spectacles ever to hit the small screen than to continue to agitate for rewrites. I mean, the opening credits! The dragons, my God! The battles! The cinematography! The costumes! The dialogue! Good heavens, it boggles the mind.
Like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid of an earlier era, I’m having to ask myself, of the HFPA, “Who are those guys?” Did they collectively drink a six-pack apiece and pass out during the screenings? Did they read the Cliff Notes version of the scripts? Did they have a mass hallucination?
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
Wordplay Advises the Lovelorn
“Oh, so you want to know what I think?”
Dear Wordplay,
I can’t seem to meet any eligible men where I live. I’ve tried taking classes, going to cultural events, going on blind dates, and using dating apps. People tell me I’m too picky, but when I finally like someone (which happens occasionally), they say I’m not picky enough. (Those usually don’t work out either, BTW.) Do you have any advice? —Pining
Dear Pining,
Yes. From what you’ve described, you’ve taken sensible actions that have yielded no results. You suggest that perhaps it’s the place you live in, and there could be some truth in this. My suggestion is to follow your interests a little further, to travel to places that interest you and see what happens. If you’re not ready to move yet, consider an extended vacation or sabbatical in a place where you think you might meet interesting men. Wherever you think that might be, you’re probably right.
Dear Wordplay,
I don’t know what to do. I heard some gossip about a girl I’ve liked for a long time, and it concerns her boyfriend. I heard that when she moved away from their hometown to take a job in another city, he tried to have her offed. No, seriously. That’s how pissed he was. She doesn’t seem ever to have heard this, because she moved back home, and they got back together. I’m not exactly a disinterested party, because her boyfriend knows I had a big crush on her for a long time, and I’m afraid that if I say something and it turns out not to be true, I’ll look like a jealous turd. The problem is, I heard this from more than one source, and it seems like it could be true. For years, I’ve been heartsick over it and just hoping it never happened. Should I say something to her?—Caring but Rational
Dear Caring but Rational,
I have just made the decision for you. By publishing your concern on the Internet, I’ve ensured that it will catch someone’s eye and get back to whoever needs to know. If no truth, you remain anonymous, and little (probably) harm done, but if the shoe fits—well, your conscience is at ease. What people do with the information is up to them, but I think a real friend would want someone he cared about to know. Like you, I’m hoping it isn’t true, but neither your hope or mine has any bearing on what may or may not have happened.
Dear Wordplay,
I’m a gay man who has been in a long-term relationship. My partner has a close female friend that I have lately discovered I have romantic feelings for. Neither she or my partner has any suspicion that I am bisexual. I’m having trouble disguising my feelings and really think this woman may be my soul mate. Is there any hope that if I let her know how I feel, she might reciprocate the feelings? We all get along well and have a great time when we’re together.—All But Married
Dear All But Married,
I suspect that if you make your feelings known, the situation you described in your last statement will immediately cease to exist. Since both the woman and your partner think you are gay, any suggestion otherwise on your part is likely to be unwelcome to both of them. If you really think you want to be with a woman instead of your partner, it’s time to think about whether a separation might be in order, but before you do that, try to figure out what’s really going on. Is this woman just a safe object for your feelings because you know she’ll never reciprocate them? Are you investing emotional energy in this crush to avoid facing things in your current relationship? If you really want to be with her, how likely do you think it is that she’ll throw her close friend over for someone she’s always thought of as gay? Would that perhaps be a little awkward? Lots of questions for you to consider.
Dear Wordplay,
I’m an FBI agent and have been married to my current spouse for 25 years. The spark has gone out of our marriage entirely as far as I’m concerned, though I think I’ve mostly kept my feelings concealed from my wife. She seems content with the house and kids, but I feel sometimes that I’m suffocating and don’t know how to break it to her. There are opportunities professionally for me to go undercover; for instance, I could develop a rare form of cancer, “die,” and be placed in another city with a new identity. I’m good at my job (cyber crime), and my superiors would jump at the chance to place me in another setting. I’m wondering what you think about the ethics of changing my life in this way. I’d be serving my country and getting out of a painful situation at the same time.—Public Servant
Dear Public Servant,
Wow, how selfless you are. Glad to know there are people like you out there. I suggest, though, that using your job to end your marriage is going about it in the wrong way. If you really want to get out of your marriage, consider a trial separation, and then if you still feel the same way after, say, a year, ask your wife for a divorce. You will both feel better for the honesty. A spouse of 25 years deserves more than a fake funeral.
Dear Wordplay,
I fell in love with a woman after I spied on her while she was skinny-dipping in a hotel pool. I don’t really want to go into the whys and wherefores of how I happened to be there, but seriously, I was caught off guard. What I mean is, I was watching her from my window, and I didn’t know she was going to take her robe off, but she did, and I haven’t been the same man since. I have reason to think that she might one day return my feelings, and I just want to know—am I obligated to tell her what happened? I mean, actually, I was following her, and it’s kind of a long story, but . . . The problem is, she’s a big privacy advocate, has given lectures on it for the local university, has made it known in no uncertain terms what she thinks of spying (in a general way, not as it relates to skinny dipping). She’s practically a Fourth Amendment scholar.—Trying to Do What’s Right
Dear Trying to Do What’s Right,
1. Do you, by any chance, have any connection to the public servant in the previous question? There just seems to be an awful lot of spying going on.
2. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Dear Wordplay,
I feel like this fellow I don’t know well is trying to let me know that he likes me. A story got back to me that he happened to be looking out the window when I took a 2 a.m. skinny dip in a hotel pool while on vacation years ago. It’s kind of an odd story, but I have no reason not to like him. The funny thing is, I know what he looks like without his clothes on, too, though I’d rather not go into that part of it. Do you think there’s any possibility that something that started out like this could have a future? Technically, he was spying on me.—This Will Sound Strange, But . . .
Dear This Will Sound Strange, But,
I may have to erect an ethical barrier here. I’m starting to feel like the Wall in Pyramus and Thisbe. To answer your question, I don’t really see a problem based on what you’ve told me so far. How many people get a chance to check out the goods, not to put too fine a point on it, before they’ve even had dinner-and-a-movie? And technically, you waived your right to privacy by taking your clothes off in public, although I’ll grant you, most people would expect to go unobserved at that hour of the night. For the future, I suggest that you try to meet sometime when both of you have your clothes on. I am kind of curious as to your side of the story, but I’m too much of a professional to take a prurient interest in something that’s none of my business.
Dear Wordplay,
I can’t seem to meet any eligible men where I live. I’ve tried taking classes, going to cultural events, going on blind dates, and using dating apps. People tell me I’m too picky, but when I finally like someone (which happens occasionally), they say I’m not picky enough. (Those usually don’t work out either, BTW.) Do you have any advice? —Pining
Dear Pining,
Yes. From what you’ve described, you’ve taken sensible actions that have yielded no results. You suggest that perhaps it’s the place you live in, and there could be some truth in this. My suggestion is to follow your interests a little further, to travel to places that interest you and see what happens. If you’re not ready to move yet, consider an extended vacation or sabbatical in a place where you think you might meet interesting men. Wherever you think that might be, you’re probably right.
Dear Wordplay,
I don’t know what to do. I heard some gossip about a girl I’ve liked for a long time, and it concerns her boyfriend. I heard that when she moved away from their hometown to take a job in another city, he tried to have her offed. No, seriously. That’s how pissed he was. She doesn’t seem ever to have heard this, because she moved back home, and they got back together. I’m not exactly a disinterested party, because her boyfriend knows I had a big crush on her for a long time, and I’m afraid that if I say something and it turns out not to be true, I’ll look like a jealous turd. The problem is, I heard this from more than one source, and it seems like it could be true. For years, I’ve been heartsick over it and just hoping it never happened. Should I say something to her?—Caring but Rational
Dear Caring but Rational,
I have just made the decision for you. By publishing your concern on the Internet, I’ve ensured that it will catch someone’s eye and get back to whoever needs to know. If no truth, you remain anonymous, and little (probably) harm done, but if the shoe fits—well, your conscience is at ease. What people do with the information is up to them, but I think a real friend would want someone he cared about to know. Like you, I’m hoping it isn’t true, but neither your hope or mine has any bearing on what may or may not have happened.
Dear Wordplay,
I’m a gay man who has been in a long-term relationship. My partner has a close female friend that I have lately discovered I have romantic feelings for. Neither she or my partner has any suspicion that I am bisexual. I’m having trouble disguising my feelings and really think this woman may be my soul mate. Is there any hope that if I let her know how I feel, she might reciprocate the feelings? We all get along well and have a great time when we’re together.—All But Married
Dear All But Married,
I suspect that if you make your feelings known, the situation you described in your last statement will immediately cease to exist. Since both the woman and your partner think you are gay, any suggestion otherwise on your part is likely to be unwelcome to both of them. If you really think you want to be with a woman instead of your partner, it’s time to think about whether a separation might be in order, but before you do that, try to figure out what’s really going on. Is this woman just a safe object for your feelings because you know she’ll never reciprocate them? Are you investing emotional energy in this crush to avoid facing things in your current relationship? If you really want to be with her, how likely do you think it is that she’ll throw her close friend over for someone she’s always thought of as gay? Would that perhaps be a little awkward? Lots of questions for you to consider.
Dear Wordplay,
I’m an FBI agent and have been married to my current spouse for 25 years. The spark has gone out of our marriage entirely as far as I’m concerned, though I think I’ve mostly kept my feelings concealed from my wife. She seems content with the house and kids, but I feel sometimes that I’m suffocating and don’t know how to break it to her. There are opportunities professionally for me to go undercover; for instance, I could develop a rare form of cancer, “die,” and be placed in another city with a new identity. I’m good at my job (cyber crime), and my superiors would jump at the chance to place me in another setting. I’m wondering what you think about the ethics of changing my life in this way. I’d be serving my country and getting out of a painful situation at the same time.—Public Servant
Dear Public Servant,
Wow, how selfless you are. Glad to know there are people like you out there. I suggest, though, that using your job to end your marriage is going about it in the wrong way. If you really want to get out of your marriage, consider a trial separation, and then if you still feel the same way after, say, a year, ask your wife for a divorce. You will both feel better for the honesty. A spouse of 25 years deserves more than a fake funeral.
Dear Wordplay,
I fell in love with a woman after I spied on her while she was skinny-dipping in a hotel pool. I don’t really want to go into the whys and wherefores of how I happened to be there, but seriously, I was caught off guard. What I mean is, I was watching her from my window, and I didn’t know she was going to take her robe off, but she did, and I haven’t been the same man since. I have reason to think that she might one day return my feelings, and I just want to know—am I obligated to tell her what happened? I mean, actually, I was following her, and it’s kind of a long story, but . . . The problem is, she’s a big privacy advocate, has given lectures on it for the local university, has made it known in no uncertain terms what she thinks of spying (in a general way, not as it relates to skinny dipping). She’s practically a Fourth Amendment scholar.—Trying to Do What’s Right
Dear Trying to Do What’s Right,
1. Do you, by any chance, have any connection to the public servant in the previous question? There just seems to be an awful lot of spying going on.
2. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Dear Wordplay,
I feel like this fellow I don’t know well is trying to let me know that he likes me. A story got back to me that he happened to be looking out the window when I took a 2 a.m. skinny dip in a hotel pool while on vacation years ago. It’s kind of an odd story, but I have no reason not to like him. The funny thing is, I know what he looks like without his clothes on, too, though I’d rather not go into that part of it. Do you think there’s any possibility that something that started out like this could have a future? Technically, he was spying on me.—This Will Sound Strange, But . . .
Dear This Will Sound Strange, But,
I may have to erect an ethical barrier here. I’m starting to feel like the Wall in Pyramus and Thisbe. To answer your question, I don’t really see a problem based on what you’ve told me so far. How many people get a chance to check out the goods, not to put too fine a point on it, before they’ve even had dinner-and-a-movie? And technically, you waived your right to privacy by taking your clothes off in public, although I’ll grant you, most people would expect to go unobserved at that hour of the night. For the future, I suggest that you try to meet sometime when both of you have your clothes on. I am kind of curious as to your side of the story, but I’m too much of a professional to take a prurient interest in something that’s none of my business.
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